My Revelation

Part of my angst yesterday, in addition to being sad about my friend, is a bit of a guilt issue. I've written about guilt before. I'm a person who feels guilty about a lot of things, who says sorry a lot and who cries at the drop of a hat. You could say I'm overly sensitive or that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
It's who I am.
But add a child to the mix, which I did about 3 years ago, and guilt can be an overpowering emotion.
When I first went back to work I felt incredible sadness for leaving my child. I also felt incredible guilt. This post isn't about that. I'm proud of my decision. Matthew is fine in daycare. We're happy.
But there are times when I'm not.
And, sometimes, work sucks.
In fact, someone mentioned to me the other day that they don't call work "work" because it is fun, but because it is work. That kind of bummed me out. I mean, you spend the majority of your day there. Sure, you're there to do a job, but really.
I do kind of like work sometimes. In fact a lot of the time.
And today, I was feeling pretty good about things at work. It was bonus day (yay!) and it was Friday (yay!)
So back to my original point. I was still feeling pretty guilty for going to work and leaving my child. I was going down that path of wondering what my priorities were and whether I should be working.
And I realized something.
I have to choose to be happy.
That sounds pretty simple. But it's true. If I'm going to make the conscious choice to leave Matt everyday and go to work, even though it's out of necessity, I'm going to stop being so negative. The stuff I don't like I'm going to put up with. And then stuff I like I'm going to enjoy it.
I remember thinking when I first went back how nice it was to sit for extended periods of time, to have the luxury of a quiet cup of coffee if I needed it, and to have a conversation that was not centred on all things baby.
I've forgotten about that lately.
So from now on I'm going back to being positive, to looking for the good in my day, and meeting the challenges head on. I know they aren't all wonderful and fun, but onward we go.

PS This will be one of the posts I look back on and think wow. I was really dorky that day!

Sending Love

Last night over dinner my parents told us that a friend of the family has breast cancer.
The sad thing about this is that her son is about a year younger than mine. I can't imagine going through something like this knowing you have a young child, hoping for the best and fearing the worst.
I haven't seen her in awhile. In fact, it's been more than a year. We had dinner and chatted about breastfeeding vs. formula and sleep issues. It's one of those friendships you can drift in and out of - and catch up with the person when you see them.
I didn't really expect that the next e-mail would be announcing breast cancer.
Part of me is sad and worried. The other part of me feels kind of guilty. I realized that I trust way too much that people will just always be there when I want to hang out. I'm so guilty about letting friendships go too much, focusing on the people who are close at the time (distance wise in many cases) and saying "maybe next weekend we'll go see ..."
Luckily most of my friends are okay with this. Maybe part of this is due to the fact that I ama bit of a high intensity person and so sometimes Laural in small doses is a good thing. Or, maybe it's cause people know that if they are my friend I LOVE them.
But my point is, this is something I'm going to change.
So, please, go out. Call someone you haven't talked to in a bit just to say hi. It's totally worth it.
And, while you're doing something nice, say a prayer, think a good thought or do whatever it is you do to wish my friend luck. Her name is Lisa, and right now I think she needs whatever hope we can send her way.

Tag!!!

Gotta say, I love tag! I play it with Matthew. I play it on the internet. I'm actually one of those people who will fill out the e-mails that are 100 questions that you have to send to all your friends. LUV them (when I have time).
So, being tagged by Haley is super cool. In case you don't know who she is check out her blogs. What's not to like - she loves America's Next Top Model and blogs about celebrities.

Anyway ...

THE TAG: FIVE REASONS WHY I BLOG

FIVE REASONS WHY I BLOG:

1. I LOVE the comments. Sometimes they make me cry (in a good way). Bloggers are very supportive people.
2. It's cool to know that people care what goes on in my life
3. It encourages me to keep writing
4. It's nice to have a forum to talk about things that are important to me.
5. Matthew is my favourite topic, and I love writing about him and seeing how he is growing.

And I tag ...

Multi-tasking Mommy, My husband, Ruthie, and Leece (who I hate since she's in Mexico!)

No No No

Our conversation tonight:
Matthew: "Mommy. I want my show. I want Treehouse."
Me: "Nope. Mommy's show is on."
Matthew: "No. I want my show. I want Treehouse. I WAAANNNT TREEHOUSE."
Mike and I together: "No. No Treehouse."
At the time we had on Entertainment Tonight which was being drowned out by his screaming.
"OK."
He looked right at us, walked over to the tv, and turned it off.
Wow!
If only I had the nerve to be so outspoken.
Part of me wants to tame this toddler. But part of me wants to let him be like this, because that's what's going to get him ahead in life.
(and we really didn't need to watch ET anyway.)

Painting ... Not for the Faint of Heart

Today was supposed to be our "do nothing day." I promised to sleep in and have no plans for the day.
The sleeping in part worked. I didn't get up until 7:30 and then had no mad panic to have a shower. I came downstairs and even made us all breakfast - something I never do. And then I was sitting, and trying to figure out what was bothering me. This ...

I HATE this colour of green. Every time I walk down the hall I want to scream. So, despite our plans for a quiet day I pulled out the primer and the green painters' tape and went to town.
Notice how similar the greens are: (the walls were also dirty and filled with old smoke from the previous owner)


When our big container of primer came out Matthew realized what was going on and asked to paint as well. Why not? I found him a little paintbrush and thought I'd let him do some painting which he thought was a lot of fun.


It was a lot of fun so Matthew painted and painted and painted.


He soon realized that the crappy little paintbrush I had given him was not nearly as effective as the large roller that I was using. When I said no to him using the roller he took matters into his own hands...


LITERALLY!!!


We tried to stop him, but every time I tried to say no he smiled and I started to laugh. I ran for the camera and Mike had to leave the room because he was finding the mess so stressful.


But the truth is, he was actually doing a great job of getting the wall covered, and we were having fun, so what was the big deal? He was being helpful, and the paint was water-based.
At the end of it all it turned out very well. Matty was very proud if his masterpiece. A nice bath and he was fine.


I had told Mike we'd just prime it all then leave it for a bit and decide on a colour.
As if.
Halfway through I left Mike painting and Matt watching Cars and went off to Home Depot to choose my paint colour. I went with a taupe - called "Designer White" which is a pale taupe. (for the record - not remotely white, so I don't understand the name) It is growing on me. It's the colour of my skin. Strange. I think I would blend into my wall if I tried. So that's a little weird. But it's soooo much nicer than the horrible green.


I know that the colour is a little bit boring, but I'll take light, airy and boring over that horrible dark hospital green anytime.
My favourite part of it all is the little footprint Matt left on the floor. I know, it's hardwood and we need to clean it off, but part of me would like to keep this momento forever.


Oh! What am I saying. We have every intention of flipping this house and moving on up. So, the footprint will go. Thank goodness for digital cameras :)

Gymnastics ... Season 2

Yesterday at gymnastics we got the forms to enroll for the next session of gymnastics. I almost signed up on the spot, but then took the form home to think about for a bit.
Part of me really wants to go back. And I asked Matthew. We were sitting in the Tim Horton's drive through for about an hour (okay 5 minutes) and so I explained that we had to decide if we wanted to go back or not.
Here's the thing. Having a three year old, which he will be next month, gives us a couple of options. We can do the Mommy and Me class again which we are currently in. Or, I could bring him, do the warm up, and then he could go off with a class.
So, I asked Matt which he wants.
He was decisive. He wanted the class with Mommy.
Now, to me this is pretty cool. This is the answer I was looking for (deep down) though NOT chasing my hyperactive toddler through a gym is also quite appealing.
But, still I hesitated to sign up.
The thing is, as much as he likes it, I kind of think he doesn't. He's not his normal social self. He wants to hold my hand the whole time. Unlike at school where he loves his teachers and hangs off their every word, here it's a different story. One of his coaches he pays no attention to. The other he kind of likes. But, he's just as happy with me holding him the whole time as he is to swing on the bars.
Here's where the Mommy guilt thing comes in.
I feel like this is all happening because what he really needs is one-on-one time with me.
I'm beginning to think that he's so programmed during the week that on Saturday morning maybe he doesn't want to go and do an organized sport where he is told what he has to do and when.
I'm kind of with him on that.
I like the idea of it. I like the activity. But it is really rushed to get out the door and be on the other side of town for 9am every Saturday morning.
I'm not saying I won't sign him up for any activities. I know this child and he loves activity. I just think he may get more out of something less structured. Like an art class. (god help me I have no artistic ability - maybe Becky could take him?) Or a music class. Or just a walk in the park. I kind of think he'd be just as happy to go for a run since he loves to run laps around the gym.
Not to mention garage sale season is coming up.
Matthew and I bond over the good deals and sense of accomplishment that brings. Not to mention the fun trip to Tim Hortons that most garage sale days bring.
You know - I think we'll sit out the next session. But maybe in the fall ... we'll see.